Letter 24

Dear Shay,

Thank you for creating such a wonderful website! I will be back many times, I am sure! You are a Godsend to many. (\o/) I do have a question for you about my relationship with my fiancé.

We have been together for 2 years, and we truly love one another and we believe we are soulmates. We do live together, and I wonder if this is the wrong choice sometimes. We are both 30 (he will be in a few months anyway), and so we are mature and set in our ways. There are times that he says he is so tired from work that all he wants to do is "nothing"....when he says "nothing", he really means NOTHING (except sit and watch TV and play on the Internet). What am I to do during this time, when he seems to not even want to be around me. I have tried talking with him about it diplomatically, and to let him know that I am not just going to disappear when he wants to do his NOTHING, which seems to include ignoring the housework, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the fun stuff, and also me. I don't seem to understand his desire and so of course, I take it to mean that I have done something wrong or not to his liking....which creates problems when I bring it up. He reacts defensively to my concerns, even if I am blaming myself for the causes.

I am a very positive person, and take life in stride as much as possible, and know that I am watched over by many angels. I am more spiritual than he is, and much more of a happy person and have fun and love everything in life. Can my angels give my fiancé a little kick in the pants to let him know that I love him and want to make him happy, and that I need some reassurance that when he gets so tired and wants to do his "nothing", that it is not because of something that I have done? Interesting problem, isn't it? It really is the only one we have. Our only other daily, ongoing "fight" is which one of us loves the other more!

Blessings and Light to you!

For a long time, I had a lot of free time. I wasn't working OR going to school full time and I was pretty much able to get all the rest I needed, do anything I wanted to do, and enjoy life exactly the way I desired. I was able to fulfill every single obligation that was put on my plate and never once did I really stress out or feel that I had too much to do. That was then...

Now I have a very full schedule consisting of work and school AND a girlfriend. Plus, I run this page and also try to keep a good group of friends going. And of course, I do my best to fit in mass once a week. Its a lot. I am never really as rested as I'd like to be and I seem to always be on the go. When I get a couple of hours to just "vedge out" and lay down in bed and watch a movie or some TV, I treat it like gold. So, I understand how your boyfriend feels. As for my girlfriend....

She once told me something that I'll never forget. She said, "If I ever come to you asking why you do something, all you have to do is this: Give me a reason that I'll understand. Give me proof. Show me. Explain it to me. Once you do that, you will never hear me bother you with the same question again." Her answer made lots of sense. So, using the reasoning that my girlfriend gave to me, I suggest this: Make a list of questions for your boyfriend. Write them out. Ask everything you feel you don't have an answer for. Give the list to him or express it verbally. Explain to him that he needs to give you a satisfactory answer for every question or you will simply not be happy and because he loves you he should do his best to answer those questions. Understand that once he gives you satisfactory answers, you have your proof and do not expect him to repeat his reasoning every single time a similar situation pops up.

There is one more thing I'd like to mention. "Nothing" time after work is normal. Guys and girls that put in a hard days work deserve some chill time after a long day. However, slacking off on the housework, the laundry, the grocery shopping, and ignoring you, is not normal. This is a problem. Understand that if you are not able to take care of this problem before you get married, it could easily be a problem for the rest of your life.

As for angels helping your fiancé to get his butt in gear, the best way to instigate that is to pray for it. I will pray for your situation as well. A situation regarding love always deserves prayer. Conversely, prayer is the ultimate expression of love. If you explain to your fiancé that you love him enough to be in constant prayer for him and for your relationship, it might make him a little more understanding when you start talking about your issues.

Love and Prayers, Shay