Letter 39

Dear Shay -

I recently got out of a four year relationship. As far as I was concerned, the relationship was wonderful. Of course we had problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. To make a long story short, he broke up with me, giving me no "real" reasons. We continued to talk even when we were broken up, but he continually lied to me. He would call and sometimes break down and ask if we had another chance. My heart felt that there was definitely a chance since there was no reason to be apart anyway. Well, Easter Sunday we decided to meet and exchange our belongings. He came completely clean......the truth is that he started talking to a girl that works for his same company but in a different city. It gets worse, she's 32 and we are only 23! They had a relationship full of sin, they slept together without even knowing each other! All the nights he would call and talk to me, he was with her. Through GOD, I forgave him in an instant and was relieved to know the truth. We decided to try and work things out, but I found out more later. I found out the last of lies on Monday, I lost my soul and my nerve! I went a little crazy and threw away our scrapbook full of four years of memories, but he continued to ask for another chance. I decided to try again because love is worth fighting for.

When I got home Monday afternoon, after leaving him at his work where he had related the last of the story to me, I did something I regret. I came home, got on the computer and went to his works' e-mail address. There was a place there to send comments, and without a second thought, I typed the whole story of their inappropriate relationship and sent it. I continued to talk to him for the next couple of days and couldn't tell him. Finally, this past Wednesday night, he said he would call and he didn't. That was sign enough for me, I decided that I didn't want to work things out after all and wrote him a letter to call things off. He called the next morning, I read the letter, his voice cracked, he began to cry and said goodbye, but before I could tell him about the e-mail to his work. I called him back to tell him about the e-mail and he hung up again. Then I called back to find out if he had anything else to say, and he just responded with "you had no right." That's when the fight started! We began yelling angry words, we hung up and that's been the last time I've talked to him.

I know we both need time to heal and digest the situation. I know he's angry and I understand. I don't think I will be able to live with myself much longer without apologizing, but I don't know what to do? Please write back with any advice. I want him to forgive me too, but I'm scared the damage is too much! I graduate from college, this Sunday, May 7th and I cannot believe that he won't be there. We were together my entire college career. Life is weird, I'm hurt, confused, and scared. Thank you for your time.

In this world, there are lots of rules. There's gravity, weather, death, and time, amongst others. Three of these are unchangeable. Time is manipulatable though. When you're an adult and you want to do something, you start doing it. When you want to stop doing it, you stop. Therefore, you decide how much time you spend doing whatever it is you're doing. The people that tend to be the happiest are the ones that understand when to start and when to stop. They do things in a timely manner. What I am going to suggest to you is to try and recognize whether this relationship/situation in your life should come to a close.

You sound like you are in a tremendous amount of pain and, as always, pain means that something needs to be changed. You need a remedy. For physical illnesses, the remedy can often be a simple matter. You can just buy it off the shelf or maybe get a prescription, take it for a few days, and you're cured. For emotional and/or mental pain, it's a whole different ballgame. Figuring out what you need and then implementing that "cure" can be extremely hard and sometimes it doesn't even work. What you do need to understand is that you DO need a remedy, because you ARE having a problem. And as it seems to me, the remedy you need is not a dose of your cheating, lying ex-boyfriend. As a rule, people that lie and cheat should not be in relationships, because lying and cheating have no place in the foundation of a real relationship. This is what I've done when I've been in a situation such as yours: I've stopped worrying about myself and started caring about other people.

You need to leave your own worries behind and focus on other people. Simply tell your mind that you are done worrying about things that you can't change and from now on you are going to make a difference in other peoples' lives so you can experience happiness again. Of course, being able to do this is not a hop, skip, and a jump away. Its not a piece of cake. However, focusing on Loving and Helping other people is the true way to feel good and to receive love in your own life. You can even love and help your ex-boyfriend, but its probably better to do that just by praying for him.

The bottom line is: Drop your ex-boyfriend for good, and start Loving other people so you can sooner become the joyful person you know you are. If you're wondering how to start your loving, try calling up a volunteer organization you are interested in. I'm just guessing here, but I'll bet there are a lot of young girls who could really use a fine upstanding young college graduate to spend time with them.

Love a Lot, Worry Less…..It's the Key to Success.

Love and Prayers, Shay