Letter 56

Hi Shay,

I've been reading your letters and love what you've said to other people. I was hoping you could shed some light on my relationship problem.

I was seeing a man for a little over 4 months and I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but we saw each other almost every day. He's 34 and I'm 38, so we are not kids either. The relationship seemed perfect. We really enjoyed each other's company, he got along great with my kids, and we trusted each other.

At the beginning of the relationship he told me he wanted to take things slow because he got very hurt in his last relationship. His last relationship lasted 10 years and it ended 3 years ago. Since then he has hardly even dated. After at trip with me and my kids, where it seemed he had fun, he told me he didn't know if he could do this "committed relationship" thing. I was stunned, because it came out of left field!! We talked again a few days later and I told him I could slow it down if that is what he wanted. Without me asking, he took it upon himself to come over to my house almost every night and I loved it. I told him we didn't need to see each other almost every day. He, however, wanted to be able to date other people. I told him I wouldn't be able to handle him doing that. We both told each other what we wanted but never came to a decision on what we would do. We continued seeing each other, not nearly as often. I was trying to give him as much space as he needed. I knew I loved him and all of his actions up until that time showed me he loved me, though he never said the words.

Anyway, we recently spent a couple of really great days together and had plans to go away over the weekend with some friends. Before the weekend came he told me he had a date with someone else. I was pretty upset and we talked for two hours (I did most of the talking). No screaming or anything, we really just talked. It's strange too, because I'm not even angry at him. I am just very sad and sad for him too. I'm sad for him because I feel he is scared to feel anything for fear of getting hurt again. He also has been in a 12 step program for many years.

I've also been to a couple of psychics, who I believe are for real. I say this because they both told me things that had happened and predicted something that happened the next day. One of them told me that he and I are destined to be together, I just need to have faith. I am so numb right now from all of this. I want nothing more than to be with him. I just wish he were able to trust me with his heart and know that I would not hurt him like he was hurt in the past.

I know I've rambled, guess it's because I'm in so much pain. Any advice would be appreciated and I would love to hear what you feel about the psychics.

The problem with situations such as yours is timing. You two are on different pages. You want one thing, he wants something else…your goals are completely different. The problem is that in relationships, since so much time is spent together, its nearly impossible to make things work if he wants to do one thing while you want to do another. You might want to spend all night together while he has another date at 9pm…it just can’t gel like that. Similar goals are so key to relationships that if they don’t match up somewhat, the partnership is pretty doomed. And, of course, one of the biggest things that MUST match up is whether or not both of you want a commitment, and it sounds like he doesn’t.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, it seems like you two have hit a brick wall. Unless he changes his mind about what he wants….and men usually don’t….then its probably better for both of you if you part ways. Also, I MUST STRESS that you SHOULD NOT try to change his mind. One of the worst things that we can do in relationships is try and force our thinking or wishes on our partners. This only creates even worse havoc down the road. When people aren’t able to make their own decisions, they feel a loss of freedom and that just eventually turns into resentment towards their partner.

My problem with psychics is the same kind of problem I have with psychiatrists….both of them are paid to make you feel better. Neither one of them will usually come right out and give you their straight opinions. I know that psychic abilities are real, but I also know about greed. I know that the best way to keep a client is to keep them happy. Keep that in mind. Remember that the folks who Love you the most - Jesus, your friends and family, and charitable folks like me - have no exterior motivation aside from our desire to help you. Our answers are straight from the heart.

I must say one more thing…no matter which way you decide to go with this guy…don’t pine. One of the worst traits in people is their ability to hold onto something once its time has past. If things don’t work out with this guy, move on to someone else.

I will be praying for you. I also suggest that you offer up a quick prayer to Jesus asking for His help with this. He’s always ready to listen….and ready to help!

May the Love of Jesus be with you always!

Love, Shay