Dear Shay,
I’m a 15-year-old girl, and I have a little problem. I’ve had boyfriends over the years, and most of them treated me bad, either by physically or emotionally abusing me. This summer I met a guy that I care a lot about... but he is black. Now, I don’t have a problem with that because my parents always told me not to judge people by their appearance and not to treat anyone different because of the color of their skin. But when I told my mom about him, she got really angry and said, "You’re not allowed to like a black boy!" To me, this is very confusing because it goes against everything else that she has told me, and also it makes me upset because I think it is wrong to discriminate against someone because of his or her race. I would like to have a relationship with this guy, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make my mom angry, but I think that I deserve to be happy and I know that God wants me to be happy, too. So what can I do to resolve this?
WRITE ME FOR FREE ADVICE AT SHAY VILLERE ON X OR FACEBOOK
I grew up in New Orleans, Louisiana. There were black people everywhere. Ron, one of my best friends, was black. I went to an ALL BLACK Catholic Church. The reason we fit in was because they were our neighbors. My dad, a lawyer, did everybody’s wills and divorces and legal stuff. In those days I didn’t even understand prejudice. I couldn’t comprehend it. People were just people, and I was eleven years old. Then…my family moved to Sacramento, California…white bread central. Talk about a culture shock! I went through sixth grade, junior high, and high school without barely TALKING to a black person, let alone being FRIENDS with one. I’ve experienced both sides of the coin. I know where both you AND your parents are coming from.
Your mom is prejudiced. You’re not going to change that. There’s absolutely no point in trying, either. Those types of values are built into people early in life, and are almost impossible to change. Your mom is never going to approve of any black guy you ever bring home, no matter how old you are. So, if you do decide to date this guy, you’re just going to have to plan on never seeing him at home. Now, here are a few things to look at to help you in the teenaged dating waters, and none of this has to do with the guy’s race or ethnicity:
First, look over LETTER #4. It contains a great definition of love. If this guy makes you feel that way, then you’re off to a good start.
Second, if you’re under 18, and he’s 18+, you should check out this site:
Don’t put yourself, or him, in to that kind of situation. It’s just not worth it. There are a tens of millions of under 18 guys to hang with..
Third, do not, and I mean DO NOT, date this guy if he falls in to any of the next few categories: FATHER, HUSBAND, EX-CONVICT, or DRUG-USER. If at any time you discover him to be any of those, lose him.
Fourth, use condoms, EVERY TIME. If you end up as a teenager, unmarried, and pregnant, you have got to be in the worst life situation demographic in existence.
Fifth, know, and I mean KNOW, that this is NOT the guy you will marry. It’s almost Y2K, EVERYONE knows that true love doesn’t happen at fifteen.
I wish I could tell you that you could just have a long talk with your mom and everything will be okay. Or that you and this guy will ride off in to the sunset together. At best, you’ll be able to keep your mom clueless and this guy won’t treat you badly or get you pregnant. I will be praying for you. Your angels will be there to tell you the right things to do, but its up to you to listen. Getting in touch with your guardian angel(s) might help…Guardian Tips.
I sense two angels coming to help you. One of them a young girl. A very young girl. Maybe 8 or 9. She left in a hurry. The other was an older woman, in her forties, clutching a book to her chest. The girl will show you the happiness, the woman will give you the guidance you need.
And, of course, my angels and I will be praying for you as well.
Love and Prayers, Shay