Letter 61

Hi Shay,

I have written you once before and again I seek some Angelic Advice. Here is my problem, FINANCES! My husband used to work until we started having children. After our babysitter moved away we did not know or trust anyone enough to leave my daughter with them. So we sat down and discussed things. Since I made more money and carried the benefits we decided that he would stay home. Then I had another child (they are 16 months apart), and then 2 years later another child. Well, my husband has been a Stay-at-Home Dad for almost 5 years and WE ARE STRUGGLING! He occasionally does some work on the side but I need him to get a job! It seems he has gotten comfortable with staying home while I'm going nuts! We are struggling financially! Trust me when I tell you GOD has always managed a way for us to get some money but never enough. We live paycheck to paycheck and we are having to borrow from friends. Thank GOD that when we had money we always helped whoever we could whenever we could. Anyway, WHAT SHOULD I DO? How can I get him to see that he needs to work without coming off as a nagging wife. I have discussed this with him before but I know he is tired of hearing it. I do not want to give him any ultimatums - he is a loving husband and the BEST FATHER to our three children. I know it will be hard. He will have to work nights since I work during the day and I know this can be a strain on any marriage (we've been married 6 1/2 years).

I also have wanted to move up North closer to my family - next year is going to be a hard year on us with my brother getting married, my sister having a baby shower, and then the baby being born. I wish I could live up there so I could be involved with my family. We are EXTREMELY close and I miss them. I am sad that my children only get to see their relatives once or twice a year.

Anyway, sorry for babbling - I'm just getting to my breaking point and feel like I have nowhere to turn. I don't tell people about my struggles because I feel they are my mine alone and I don't want anyone to think less of my husband.

Thank you for listening.

Mary, here’s my suggestion: Plan a weekend where you can be alone with him. Make plans to have friends or family watch the kids for a couple days. During this weekend, spend as much time relaxing as you possibly can, but spend the whole weekend together. No matter what you do, spend the whole time together. At the beginning of the weekend, drop all of your communication barriers. Drop all the filters that you would normally have up when you discuss things with him. And explain this to him. Explain that you have some very serious things you need to discuss during this weekend that will definitely have an impact on your relationship. Then, over the course of the weekend, give him the truth. Explain to him that the family will probably not survive if he does not get a job. Tell him that you have been having some very radical thoughts regarding ultimatums and such. Just let him have it.

Your husband needs to understand the severity of the situation. Divorces happen because of this stuff all the time. He needs to understand how important the income for the family is. Nowadays a middle class family really does need two bread-winners, especially if the family has THREE children. Tell him that this problem will only get worse if he doesn’t change soon. Kids don’t get cheaper as they get older, they get more expensive. Plus, without adequate income, your family runs a serious risk of not having enough retirement money in your later years.

Make sure that during this discussion, you don’t attack him or treat things in a negative light. You are simply trying to take positive steps so that the well-being of your family is insured.

Now if he doesn’t make any changes, then I would seriously suggest seeing a professional counselor. Your husband just sounds like a guy who doesn’t quite understand the severity of the situation. A counselor might be able to get that through to him if you are unsuccessful.

I will definitely be praying for you and your family!

May the Love of Jesus be with you always!

Love, Shay

Hi Shay!

Thank you so much for your response, what's funny to me is that one of my good friends is named Shay also (though she is a female).

I would LOVE to have a weekend with my husband, but I have only been away from my children for 1 day/night and that was when I had a Girls Night Out with my girlfriends (kind of like a big slumber party). My children are 5, 4 and 1 year old so basically my husband and I haven't had a weekend together in 5 years. If you recall in my letter I asked you about moving up north to be closer to my family (Mom, Dad, Brothers and Sisters). We really don't have anyone here in Florida that could watch our children all weekend. I know if we lived closer to family our lives would be so much easier. My brothers told me they could get my husband a job very easily and I would probably have no trouble finding work for myself. What do you think? Do you get any feeling that maybe we would move up north sometime soon? The biggest obstacle holding us back is, of course, finances and trying to convince my husband that this move would be good for us. I come from a BIG Irish Catholic Family (6 children including myself) and we are all so close. I am the only idiot who left home with a boyfriend when I was 18 (I'm now 32) and I just cannot seem to get back. Shay, I pray often but maybe not enough. Sometimes I wonder if I am praying the right way? God has put me through so many tests, sometimes I feel like I'm going at this alone (even though I know I'm not). Anyway, I could babble and babble. Just wondering what you though about the moving up north, does Michael ever tell you anything about people like me?

Mary Ann, there’s one question and one question alone that you should be asking yourself: Would this move improve your family’s lives? If the answer is yes, then move, if not, then don’t move. And it sounds like that answer is already a yes.

Set your husband up with that job…THEN talk to him about moving. He would probably be a lot more open to it if he knew that he would have a nice position upon arriving.

And let me point something out to you…for something like this, no one’s opinion matters but yours and your husband’s. There’s no reason to ask anybody else, because when it comes down to it, its all about what you think. You have the best bead on things. You have a view of the situation that no one else has. So yours is going to be more correct than anyone else’s. Its okay to ask for advice, but remember that YOU are where the buck stops on this one.

I will be praying for you. I also suggest that if you’re looking to change your prayer style, try out the prayer method I listed in Letter #14 in the Letter Index. It’s a prayer/meditation combo that has done wonders for my prayer time. However, I must point out that there is no type of "wrong prayer". As long as you are directing your energy toward the Lord, then you can’t go wrong. I must also point out that you are NOT going at this alone. We’re all a part of the body of the Lord and we’re all in it to help each other. So whenever you feel like you’re in this by yourself, look at the Loved ones around you and wipe out those negative thoughts! And if that doesn’t work, just write in to me! I’m always willing to give you a (((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))))))))!!!!!

May the Love of Jesus be with you always!

Love, Shay