Dear Shay,         

It's taken some time, but I finally have the nerve to write you to see if you can help me.  I am 54 years old, and see no future ahead of me.  All my life I have known nothing but pain.  As a child I was abused for the first 13 years of my life, as was my sister.  My father died when I was 19, leaving me with a mother who had cancer and a brother who was terminally ill.  The doctors said he would only live 2 or 3 years at the most.  I stayed with my mother and brother and took care of them financially.  My brother lived for 18 years before he took his life.  That was in 1987.  In 1983 my sister died at the age of 36 from a broken heart, she could not have a baby because of all the abuse and literally ate herself to death.  In 1988, just ten months after my youngest  brother took his life, my oldest brother died of a heart attack.  Two month later I had a hysterectomy.  Ironically it was the 1 year anniversary of my youngest brother's death.  I stayed with my mother and took care of her financially and became her caregiver.  She finally died in 1999.  I took care of her for 10 years all by myself while she was sick.  Once she was in the nursing home I visited her almost every day.  She suffered terribly, both from burying a husband and 3 adult children, and physically as well.  Towards the end of her life she was hooked up to a respirator for 1 and 1/2 years.  All of this has left me financially and emotionally/spiritually spent.  I have no family, a few relatives who could care less about me, and few friends because I don't trust anyone.

I have often asked myself and God, "Why?".  I am only one person, but have had to suffer more than most people will ever know.  My one dream was to become a doctor/wife and mother, and that too has been denied me.  I am so lonely and afraid, and see little reason to go on.  If it weren't for Jesus I wouldn't, but I can't do that to him.  I have tried therapy but no one can understand the pain in me.  My question to you is:  Does God know I'm here? Does he care that I suffer so?  You would tell me that I am not alone, but I am. I would appreciate any advice you would give me.